Mood is a - 4

It's nice to be out of a complete rut. I'm now dusting my feathers.
I have trouble getting up in the mornings and the thought of work makes me shiver.
I need to get back on my feet though, but without making myself worse again.

10/24/09 - Lithium and Risperdal

Been on Lithium and Risperdal for several months now.

1500 mg lith
1 mg Risperdal

Risperdal helps with the agitation, irritability, and the delusional thoughts.
I've been having a few down days. Today's the worse. Keep crying.

But other than that, I was getting stable. I felt much better. I had started going to the gym. I'm not sure exactly what bit me in the ass. I got a little sick a few days ago. I also found out that this course I wanted to take for Sonography has a 4 year waiting period. It also sounds really difficult. I really doubt myself since I've gotten ill.

I feel like a waste. Like I'm no good use to anyone.

Friday 6/5/09- 5th day on TEGRETOL

Not sure if Tegretol is working. I did pick out something colorful to wear last night for the meeting, which is diferent. I feel fuzzy lately. I'm thinking that things have to get worse before they get better.

I hear something really minor, just minor sounds in my ear.

I feel that my whole world is gone. I have to make my way out of this whole. I can bearly do anything. I did manage to get out yesterday and also walk on the beach. It's more than what most people say. I don't want to be left alone. I'm afraid that everyone will be tired of me and this condition. Most people don't seem to understand it.

I paid my sister $300, because they're not in a good financial state. I just wish they didn't spend money outside so much. It's really none of my business, but since I'm sleeping on the couch and also giving them money, I just want it to go towards a good cause. It's not my fault that they didn't manage their money correctly.

It just seems like we're in a bad situation any direction we look. I miss James, but I feel that I'm no use to him in this condition. But what's marriage? Are you supposed to be in a good state the whole time? Is it okay if you break down? We're only human.

That's another thing. Mortality and the fact that I'm only human has really resonated in me. I still wish that I don't make it past 50. I don't want to get old.

I wish I got well enough where I could work long term, save money, and get a nice place to live. I don't want to ever jepordize my credit, or over spend. I just hope I catch myself if this disease pushes me to that.

I really feel like I hage no where to go. I don't want to be here and I don't want to be in Britain right now. I think that it's the fact that I don't want to be in my skin, so it doesn't necessary matter where I am. I'm currently not well.

I'm better off not telling my sister anything about their spending. It's none of my business. I just wish that I was in a better situation. Somewhere where I didn't depend on anyone. I guess that would be no where, because we all depend on eachother to a degree.

I hope my brain comes back again.

***LAST TRY w/LAMICTAL - ended up in ER again

Lamictal is not for me unfortunately, though it seems to work well with my moods.
I'm just allergic to it. Makes me itchy, bloats up my face, gives me abdominal pain and leg pain, makes my lips puffy, and eventually starts to close up my throat.

Am told it's an unusual side effect but it's there, so there's not much that I can do about it.

I've naturally come out of the 8 month depression, not completely, I still feel down in the mornings, but I'm much better than I was 3 months again.

I have to see what other meds the doctor wants to try.

I'm feeling okay now, but if this is part of the swing, then the next step will be up, up, and then way up. Not sure how high I go naturally now. I used to only get hypomanic. Racing thoughts would get in the way of completing tasks and so would the depression.

I just have to make the best of my situation. It sucks, it stinks, but at least there's some breathe room with this break between the high and low. Some people don't even have that. Some people have chronic pain.

5/22/09-no more depakote, 2nd day on FISH OIL

Taking 7 1200mg fish oil tabs a day. 3 in the morning, 4 at night.

Had my first dose last night. I felt better after a few hours and feel better today.
Not sure how fast it kicks in.

I'm having my first okay day in a very long time.

I've decided to make the most of it.

I'm a little on the low modivation side.

J lost his job yesterday. Felt sad about that. I'm sure he'll find another one. He's a great person to work with and have around, so I'm sure his old boss will give him a good recommendation.

Still on LITHIUM 1200mg, RISPERADOL- 1mg at night...now added 7 tabs of 1200mg fish oil.

Last night's group meeting was good. The leader is great at veering us in the right direction. A lot of depressed people last night. It's usually a group of fairly stable people. There was a man there who is very suicidal. I hope he comes back next week. Joked after my introduction and my summary of the week. Trying to keep my humor during this process. I'm surprised how easy it is to use it when you're dealing with strangers.

Our group rep made some good points. Everything is relative. We're lucky to live in such a nice part of the world. Also, he asked if I would sell my arm for 2 million dollars, which only made me think...I have enough problems as it is. Don't need another one. I catch his drift.

I hope the Fish Oil really works. Side effects are low and it's known to lower the depression moods.

With everything...we shall wait and see.

Something else that stuck with me. A guy who has been dealing with BP for 31 years was talking and he mentioned that people with Bipolar need to make sure that they prevent as many situations that may cause them hurt. I don't deal very well with being hurt. Regular people have a difficult time dealing with it, but I think he's right...It doesn't help to put one self in a position where you'll be hurt. I just hope that my chemicals are balanced enough where I create an environment for myself that keeps me less prone to getting hurt, or one where I don't get hurt so often.

I wonder about J and I's situation. It's painful to be away from him. I love talking to him and being in touch with him. I miss him. It hurt to be away from my family too. Now I'm with them. That's actually a relief. I just hope that something doesn't have to give. I hope that he saves enough money and he moves here.
I hope that I can lead a life that's low on drama...and I just enjoy the people I love.

Sometimes that's not so easy. People have their different personalities and their own issues...their quirks...something said or done is taken the wrong way. Dealing with relationshihps isn't easy. People who make it look easy must have a nice erray of chemicals.

5/21/09 - off of wellbutrin, still on depakote

Feel like shit. Don't think it's anything's fault. I just have to be patient.

I'm tired of living. I'm tired of being depressed and then mixed. I hate being dependent on people. I, unfortunately, am not well enough to stand on my own two feet.

Sometimes I think what people must be thinking of me: "why doesn't she try harder?"
"why doesn't she do something about her problem?"

I don't know what else to do. I've sought help. I'm on yet another mood stabilizer. I'm a real depressive and I'm not sure how this pill is going to help with the depression aspect of things.

I'm really down. Really really down. I get concerned about 10 years from now. If I get this down at 33, I don't think I'll make it to my 40's.

I try not to think too much about J. There was a time when I had the strength to believe in the future, get prepared for it, and make a new nest. All of that is gone. What scares me is the depression, but on top of that, it scares me to think what'll come after it. Will it be another hypomanic episode? All filled with lack of organized thought and clear direction?

I want my brain back and no one can give it back to me. I've read up on the meds and there's not much out there for someone like me. Lamictal was working but I'm allergic to it. Lithium is in my system and it's not doing anything.

****LITHIUM 1200 mg
****Wellbutrin - 0 mg
****Rispredol - 1mg
****Depikote - 500 mg 2x a day - 1000mg for a week

***5/19/9 - Depakote 500mg 2x a day as of 5/14

Feel down and irritable.

May 14, 2009- topomax withdrawal no fun

I think I have a few ounces of decency and balance left in me.
I'm not sure how long that'll last. Topomax seemed to wipe out any proper thought
processes that I had going on. Got my memory REALLY foggy. I rather die than be happy and not have my brain. People should just respect that. I'm not in my 70's or 80's. I don't want to live that way.

No disrespect to people who do, but I don't want to be that big a burden. I'm already a burden. I can't oragize my bills at this point in time. I can't organize where to live, where to work etc. I know it's just in my brain, but I can't do anything to make it seem less real.

I'm having rapid cycles. I'm no use to anyone, but that's okay.
I think being human is enough. Sometimes just doing the best that you
can is enough. (that's what I wrote and pasted from 10 minutes ago...completely different view than what I wrote above. It's doing my head in.) I feel like a lunatic. Well, technically I am one. I can't keep my thoughts balanced anymore. Somewhere between all this is a part of me that's still not eaten up by all this.
I know that with time, that part is going to be smaller and smaller. Or, is it that
I'm having an episode, so I can't hear that part of me clearly? I wish these doctors could tell you something to ease the suffering.

I've started taking diaz 3 times a day today. The withdrawal from the other med
doesn't help at all. They've done a social study comparing people with terminal
illness with those of severe mental and all is the same with the exception of terminally ill patients having more physical pain and having a better social life. More friends to come and see them etc.

People don't understand this illness. That's understandable. I myself don't like it, so I can't expect a stranger to just take it on and find it enriching. I feel like a nuisance to society. I feel like the equivalent to a person who's in jail. I'm just sucking up the system and not doing anything...but I guess that applies to every poor disabled person. I don't want it to apply to them.
I'm not sure why, but it seems that if you're mentally strained, it just takes away such an important aspect of your life. I don't do anything. I don't enjoy what I manage to do. I'm scared of what effects the medications will have long term and also on my cycles, whether they'll make them worse.

I know I'm rapid cycling because of this withdrawal, but I also wonder if I'm kicked into a new trend because of this drug. I wonder if having taken Prozac at an early age made me prone to more episodes. It's something that can never be proven at this point.

I've written to a psychiatrist about Lamictal. I don't have insurance so I'm using a county doctor who has about 15 minutes of time for me. So I asked if it's possible to take a lower dose of Lamictal if I had an allergic reaction to it at a higher dose. I need to pay him $15 online.

05-13-2009 - met therapist/getting off of TOPOMAX

Hi,
3rd day with the reduction of Topomax. Each day is more emotional than that last.
I feel like the world just revolves around me and this problem at the moment. I try to be caring and helpful to the people around me and I'm not really able to do it.

I've become a better listener.

I'm having rapid cycles. I'm fine one minute, then semi-hypo manic one minute, then completely depressed. I wanted to blame the Wellbutrin. Wasn't sure why I was rapid cycling. Not sure if I have been this entire time. I'm pretty sure that my cycles had been BAD in the mornings and SOME relief after 4pm. Now it's all over the place.

Think it's the withdrawl. Took a diazepam to take care of it for a little while.
I'm scared. I want so badly to be strong. I want to be able to distinguish the fact that I'm having a mood swing and then just be able to lay back and watch it from afar. I partially can sometimes. Did I mention that I'm scared?

I felt suicidal 3 times today. I think talking about it to my therapist didn't help.
I don't want to be like this and I don't know how to help myself anymore.

I'm scared taht I'm going to end up like my mom and like my uncle. they're not so bad. My mom isn't so bad. She also has seizures, so she takes some medicine that has messed with her cognition more. My uncle sounds gone, but I think his condition was more severe than both me and my mom's to begin with.

I know sitting around and feeling sorry for myself only makes me have more episodes and effects my state of mind.

I just want to see J again. I feel that this illness makes me a bad person. It's so close to me that it's hard to differentiate who is who. I'm just a bad and flawed person. I'm not sure where all that confidence of mine went. This is my 5th crying spell today. I'm exhausted.

I'm just a nuisance. No one from Britain calls me. It would be nice if J's family would just call to check up on me and say hello. I think I just expect too much from people. My outlook of the situation is off. J is having to move out on his own and they're helping him. He's moving in with them and it's because of me. People expect me to brush this off as if I can and just get back to life. I'm flawed. It's doesn't work that way. They're something broken in me and it needs fixing.

I've read about all these mood stabilizers and the two that they've tried on me are the best to lift depression from bipolar. Lithium, which I'm not sure what it's doing, and Lamictal, which I'm allergic to. I wonder if I can get a second opinion and find out if I can take a lower dose of Lamictal even though I'm allergic.

Here we go, out of a low state and now into a normal state. It's really agrivating.
I'm not sure what purpose it's supposed to serve in nature. I suppose that's why they call it an illness. It's not serving anything.

]

***4/30/09- 1st night on Topiramate - Topamax 25mg

http://health.yahoo.com/headache-medications/topiramate/healthwise--d04115a1.html

Note to self. Best not to drive the first few weeks while taking this one. Affects vision if there's a side effect.

Note to self. Need more ear plugs or a radio with good headphones.

It's so loud in this house. The baby yells so loud.

I feel like I've lost my life. Starting completely over again.
I'm having trouble enjoying any outings. Need to get out but I have no desire to meet with people. I will push myself to see my cousin. At least it's more quiet there than it is here.

I saw an old woman volunteer at the hospital today. I was there to find out my options regarding health coverage. Options are very limited, but they'll be kind enough to cover my bill from last Friday if I get approved. I envied the old woman. She had lived her life, had a family, knew how to use the internet at her age, and was talking about t.v. shows that she has recorded.

People are so lucky and they don't even know it. It's nice to just be able to enjoy a show without so much effort. When I get better. I won't take it for granted. When I get better.

I was told of a support group in Laguna Beach that takes place every Thursday from
7-9. I had gone to one in the same area years ago. I had gone with my mom. How quickly roles change. She's taking me there tonight. We had gone, but only the support systems of the bipolars had shown that night. No bipolars were there. It was a huff and puff fest. I really hope it's not the same tonight. Afterwards, we'll head over to my cousin's house.

I know A is out of the hospital. I want to give her a call, but I also am not sure if we can be of help to each other right now. I just hope that she's well and that she gets some relief from her symptoms.

It's so difficult to love yourself when you're like this, but if I want my friend to be happy and comfortable in this world, it's only fair for me to want the same for myself. So, with a real rarity, I'll say...I hope I find peace, relief of symptoms, and happiness here.

Listening to harp music. Supposed to be good for lowering stress.

4/29/09-Wed: Who knew seeds were so interesting?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seed

***changes: 3rd day on Morning dose of Risperadol added, still taking night dose of .5

Seeds are pretty interesting. Seeds grow up to be trees, or bushes, or plants etc...

We grow up to be children and then grow into different phases of adulthood.
I suppose if I was to find seeds interesting, I should find us interesting as well.

With depression, it's a miracle to find Madonna interesting if she were to show up right in front of you. So, since I'm able to hang onto seeds at the moment shows that my withdrawl from Lamictal isn't pulling me to a complete abyss. It takes time to get really low when you've been that high. I know with prozac it took me approximately a month. I was pretty high with Prozac though.

I'm starting to feel a little down. It's starting to get real that the apartment in Wales will be gone. I just wish I had the strength to live there, make friends there, and be happy there, but I really don't. I don't know what it is that I want, but one thing I know I need are the familiars of California. I've been trying to find a purpose...my purpose has been to be J's wife for so long...I don't understand life...but sometimes I do. I understand that we're just supposed to live daily. I wish I didn't cry so much. I wish I didn't have this disease.

What am I going to do when all I know is changed or gone? Sounds like a song I've heard.

I can't even believe I was able to move to Wales and actually live there. I really don't know how I was able to do it with this condition. Sometimes I wonder if I was able to do it because of this condition. Was it the highs.

I miss J, but I really don't want to put him through this kind of existence. I want to make the people around me happy. I'm not able to do so with this condition...but I'm hopeful. The right mixture of these meds will come together.

Another thing is work. Will I ever work again? What will I do? I just feel like a real waste of space. I could use a cigarette right now. I haven't smoked in a really long time. I doesn't help my condition with the stimulants.

Seeing the doctor tomorrow at 11am. We'll see what he suggests.

4/28/09-Tues.- 4 days OFF Lamictal

"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light." Groucho Marx
Got the above quote from Sandy Naiman's blog, "Coming out Crazy". I liked it.

I've started feeling down for the past 2-3 days. I'm not certain that it's because of the Lamictal withdrawl. It's also my PMS time, so I'm keeping that in mind.

Currently taking:
LITH - 1200mg
Wellbutrin - 150mg
Risperdol- .5 (started morning dose on 4/27), and .5 at night
--it's making me really drowsy

I'm scared of what's to come. I don't like where this illness is able to take me.
I know I have some back-up, but I believe the Lamictal was bringing in additional energy, but most importantly, a better perspective on life.

I wasn't constantly obsessing over the future, what I would do, just...what am i doing here.

J gave his notice in. The apartment will be moved out of by the end of May. Makes me so sad I can't even write about it. As usual, I don't have stability and long term joy. I have to sit here while these meds "make me better" while I lose everything we've worked to build. I think it's so unfair. I have to say that I do prefer this than being in denial of it all, or just oblivious to it. I used to blame J, my friends, and my family for everything.

I'm not sure what life is supposed to be like. I just currently feel that now's not the time to figure it out. It's true that I need to get better. I hope I do get to the point where I'm not just writing about this disease, but I'm also writing about some joys in life.

I'm so sad today. Morning- E-2, P-1 , Afternoon - E-1, P-1

Last Sunday I spent at F's house. I felt a little normal. I even helped him type out something. That Lamictal was helping.

Sunday 4/26/09

HAD AN ALLERGY TO LAMICTAL!!!!!!!!! Poooooooooop
Had to go to the ER and now can't continue taking it.

I started with really subtle internal pain, then a few days later got aches and pains, then started a fever of 103 on day 3, and then it just got worse.

My friend A, I believe is okay. She called my sister today. I still want to talk to her and make sure she's alright.

April 24, 2009

103 fever last night, no the new meds had nothing to do
with my aches and pains.

My sister attacked my mom yesterday. Really not a sight that
I should see at my state at the moment. Also, my friend A and
I talked so much about suicide last Saturday that it must have
triggered her. She called me yesterday telling me she had taken
a bunch of pills. I tried to help her, but I was so out of it
with my fever and the meds I'm taking.

I told her to call poison control and then call 911 depending on what they say. For some reason I kept thinking in my head that she may not have good insurance, or it would cost a lot to call 911 unless it was necessary. I didn't think she was that unwell. I would have never talked about any of that stuff with her or brought up my situation. Two ill people don't make a good combination. Also, It didn't do me any good either. She knows some gruisome suicide facts...we were comparing notes like two psychos. Definetly not the right combo. She's so lovely and very talented. I initially thought I could help her when she told me she was down because of a break-up, but apprently I have to help myself before I can help anyone else. Also, no matter who I talk to from now on, that subject matter is NOW out of the question.

I didn't feel good when we parted from our meeting. I felt worse and that's not good. She must have felt the same way.

I hope she's okay and that she gets the right help.

Now with the home front. Not sure what's going to happen. Seems like a very common theme around here. Can't even guess what'll happen, so we're back to living hour to hour. My brother-in-law had decided to have my parents move out. He may change his mind is what I've been told. We'll have to wait and see.

I really shouldn't be exposed to any violence. I'm really ultra sensitive. These people can be like animals. People seem to attack the most vulnerable person. I wonder if it's a survival of the fittest thing, and what it's there for.

Ooh poooooooooooooooop, My head is so hot, and so is my mouth.

I found out that they'll give me short term disability. The amount isn't anything that a normal person with an apartment could live by, but it's something. Better than nothing. State disability moves fast. Federal doesn't. I think they'll deny me for the Federal disability, but I won't find out until September.

I hope J is well. This world we live in isn't that important that we stress ourselves out because of it. I'm going to go and drink my frozen vitamin water. Wishing you peace of mind, a healthy body, and a nice journey through what they've named earth.

April 22, 2009

I'm feeling under the weather. I have been for the last 3 days. Today it's the aches in the upper body and the lower body. I keep farting too. It's not nice.

E-1, P-1 in the morning
E-3, P-1 in the afternoon

I'm finally finding my bearings around here again. I can't believe how all of this experience has affected my outlook on EVERTHING. I view us humans as ants now. I never looked at it that way before. I view us as animals. We just come and go like an elephant or a lion. We each live our lives, do whatever w/society, and then go. That's why I've decided to live day by day, unless of course my pills stop working, but I won't think about that. If they were to stop working, I'd just be in another reality anyway and wouldn't remember that I'm supposed to day live to day, or I wouldn't believe in living day to day.

So much is up in the air at the moment. I live hour by hour really. I try not to think too much. I'm just getting better.

I'm still trying to control my emotional reaction to situations. Thought I was doing well, until I listened to Delyla, a song today, and started to cry. I also cried for some other reason, but I can't remember when and what all the details were about.

**Lamictal-100mg, will be boosting to 200mg- doctor says that it shouldn't lead me to mania, not supposed to do that. I was concerned when I wasn't able to sleep and was really hyper a few nights back.

**Lithium-1200mg, makes me over weight, but they won't cut it because of who knows what. I would guess it's a back-up in case Lamictal stops working, or it's because they don't want to reduce something and then have bad reprecussions.

**Risperadol- .5mg per night - gets rid of my paranoid thoughts, whether it's big or small. Think I may have to start taking 1mg a day because I'm a little paranoid about things my sister has said today. Will just wait and see.

**Wellbutrin - 150mg - don't think it's doing anything, but not sure. Used to take 50mg for 8 years along with 900 mg of lithium, but that was before my last episode.

Not very productive today but did manage to get out of the house and drive my mom to the store. There's talk of my parents moving out of here. I can view it as stressful. I do view it as unfortunate timing, because I'm not well enough for yet another big change or watching my parents leave....but it doesn't matter what I think. There are higher priorities apparently.

J is moving into his parents and handing in the lease to our apartment. I'm glad he'll be somewhere that has warmth, a nice cute cat, some company, and nice home cooked meals. It'll be better for him than waiting for me. I'm not sure when or if I'm going to get well enough to live in another country. I need my support system pretty badly and building a new one is very time consuming. More difficult to do in colder weather too. I hope he saves up and gets himself a few nice things, but also sets aside a good amount as well. I guess what I would do if I could actually work, is set aside the rent amount that I used to pay and then spend the rest.

I hope there won't be any conflicts here. I don't like conflicts at all. They can be prevented so easily so why even have them. Well disagreements I can understand but to cause mayham over something isn't nice.

5 things I'm greatful for from today (this is supposed to help w/mood according to some article I read)

1. My conversation w/J today
2. My banana and stawberry smoothy
3. Holding my nephew and spending time with my niece
4. That my headache is much better than yesterday
5. New Cartoons

April 21, 2009 - Life is beautiful...as long as my meds work

It was a good day. Every day is a good day from now on...because otherwise I wouldn't cope. Every day is that day.

Today was difficult in one way especially, but it wasn't a surprise.

I've just gone through so many things that I can only take every hour at a time.

I still feel ill. My medicine makes me feel tired and makes my head hurt a lot. I'm sure that'll stop eventually. My energy is low. I'm not very productive and I can't imagine ever getting back to work. That's today.

My husband won't come live here in the U.S. I completely understand why. We've gone through a lot together and we both need our support systems to cope with it all. Unfortunately, my village of support is different than his, and it happens to be across the Atlantic.

Life is really life...short...I don't think so. But I can't get stressed out...it makes my episodes come out with a vengance. Now it's dangerous because we know that it can 1. make me think and really believe that I'm in another world, and 2. it can lead me to kill myself...so it's quite serious. My mode is only survival right now. I'm lucky that there are drugs that can actually help. Otherwise it's a hell on earth.

My friend told me that her cousin commited s.. He thought he was in a video game.

I miss my best friend J, but he's my best friend...so I want him to be happy. Life isn't short but when you can enjoy it, it's really precious. When you come out of the times that aren't very enjoyable, it's really full of enrichment and wisdom.

Life is beautiful...as long as my meds work.

April 20, 2009 - "It's loud, I'm going mental!"

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs258/en/

Noise does make you mentally ill. I found a little proof above.

Morning: E-2.5, P-1

I feel much better. No more s thoughts. Had a nice time w/Rita and Eric. They're so calming. They're the opposite of noise. Even the way they both talk is relaxing.
I wish I never lost touch with them, but the problem with this beast of an ailment is that you shut people out. I shut the majority of the people I care about for 5-8 years. I didn't even think anything of it. That's the problem, you don't know what you'll be capable of next. Whether it's the ability to jump into an ocean from a cliff w/hyper joy, or if you'll want to jump off an actual cliff just to get rid of the lack of joy and hope...get rid of the self loathing, lack of self respect, lack of self love, lack of self basically. Hopelessness, feeling worthless, eating too much or too little, low concentration, inability to enjoy all the things you used to enjoy --- is what the ads say...and it can apply to a lot of people, but to what degree? There are different degrees...and the lower you go, you get some extras...like lack of ability to talk, inability to think...let alone concentrate, inability to see any inkling of light at all, lack of sleep or way too much sleep...whatever...the list goes on.

With all that said, I'm going to search the Internet for some incredible ear plugs. Ones that you can't hear a peep through.

CURRENT REGIME:
Lithium - 1200 mg
Wellbutrin - 150 mg
Risperodal - .5 mg at night
Lamictal - 100 mg a day, will move up to 200 mg soon

Hope I don't get hyper. Feeling much better. MUCH better. Doctor says not to look a gift horse in the mouth...because I was worried that I might get kicked off to mania. Really hope not.

Night: E-4, P-1

April 19, 2009 - What's your trigger?

My trigger is either...loud noise, rapid long conversations w/a friend or family, long conversations period, listening to a person who is really anger for more than 10-15 minutes, caffeine, lack of care, any type of stress...and I'm still discovering what affects me and how. It's different when you're a little more stable than a few months ago. I can start the healing process in a different fashion.

PROBLEM: Got so hypo last night that I couldn't fall asleep until 4am. Woke up at 7am. Have been getting anywhere from 9.5-12 hours of sleep so it's good for me to keep in mind the difference.

I'M SO TIRED. Couldn't do much today, but I'm going to meet with some old friends who I haven't seen in 9 years. Bipolar stuff - losing touch with people who mean a lot and then wondering why it happened...the usual.

Off I go. Hope the place isn't too loud and I get some good sleep tonight.
Also, hope that this isn't the beginning to another hypo/manic episode!

April 18, 2009- Day 11 on Lamictal

Unbelievable - I'm finally not having suicidal thoughts. I haven't had that luxury for 7 months! That's the longest that it's happened. Only other time was when I stopped taking Prozac after it made me really really hypomanic for 6 months. I always wonder, if I'm so sensitive to Prozac, and it seems to lift my mood within the first 2-3 days, then why can't they use it for 2-3 days only? That would be great.

Spent time with a friend today. The Harbor in Dana Point is beautiful. Took a walk with my Sister, her kids, and my brother in-law. I actually enjoyed something. I've been laughing. Not a manic laugh but a nice calm fun laugh.

Now this is from someone who would have paid everything and anything, though at this point I'm completely broke...but for example's sake...would have paid anything to just not be here anymore. I REALLY mean that. Whoever is thinking of outing themselves, which by the way is more tricky than I was hoping it would have been, keep trying some meds. Even when you just want to give up, give yourself another 2 months and try other meds. (I think I'm mostly writing this for myself, because I don't seem to process that when I'm down...down down down-that kind of down. It's as though the brain can't find any connection to anything positive no matter what people tell you.) I understand that it's a living hell, and that most people would trade it with being in a wheelchair, as long as they could at least have their peace of mind. Fantastic thing that 'peace of mind'.


Got in a tiff with the hubby from a million miles away. He thinks that I'll change my mind and go back to Cardiff, as I've mentioned before, but I don't think I will.

I don't know what to think. I'm kind of taking each day as it comes. Every day I seem to be getting better. (I'm scared to say it because I'm not sure if I'm imagining it). I haven't gotten to a point where life just seems do-able. It's all very big and it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Well, brother-in-law is here now. I'm going to show him this blogging business.

Friday April 17,09

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/03/080312081256.htm

Good article.

It's Friday. Still recovering from my year long episode.
Lamictal seems to be working. I'm feeling a little tired all day, but I think it's because of the Risperadol.

I'm so confused about what to do with my life. I know that right now I need to focus on myself getting better. It's all I have energy to do, but so much of me wishes that I could do more. I feel frozen in place but moving into nothing.

Want so badly to just be one of the many oblivious ones who just enjoy life, or even take it for granted, but don't think so much about it. I'm not sure why we're here. I want to know. Just wish I understood what I do know and have seen so far.
I know one thing. I'm not made to have children. It's too risky and it wouldn't be fair for the child in case I got really ill. Also, I wouldn't want to pass on the gene. No disrespect to us all, but I rather not be here, so why put someone else through it. I'm sure there are enough people who are already having enough kids to replace the ones I'm not having.

Life is turning out different than I expected it to be.
I just hope I don't live passed 50. I doubt my ailment will get any better, and things start to get even more complicated after that age. At least that's what I think.

My husband's in Britain. Been apart for over a month now.
He's waiting patiently until I get better. He's hoping that I'll return to our place in Wales, but I'm starting to feel comfortable with my space. I wasn't able to do that in Wales. I can do that here in California. The sun is a blessing too. Nice and warm on my skin. Nice and bright on my eyes. Family and friends are close by. People who have known me for ages. I don't have to explain myself to them. A lot to do, once one's well. The weather allows a lot of outdoor activities.

I do miss Jean and her dog. She was so nice to me. It was good to chat with her. Carolyn was nice as well. I guess I wasn't well enough, the time that I was there, to learn to appreciate it. My in-laws are really kind people, but very distant. My brother in law is invisible actually...but that's a whole other story. My mother and father in law were there, but just enough as they had to be. I don't think they really understood what was happening with me. I overheard them after Christmas complaining about how I didn't have fun even after EVERTHING that they had done. Yeah, I didn't have fun, because when a bipolar is down...fun isn't really an option, especially being THAT down. Down enough to want to disappear. But I guess people are people. Some really just don't get it.

I'll never forget how alone I felt in that country. I'm not sure why. My husband was there, but I felt like I was missing water. I was the fish that was dropped off without any water. I missed my fishbowl and the little community that I had in it. My little reality that I had was taken away. Even now, I feel the pain of having had it torn from me.

I don't see things in the same innocent way that I used to see them. I have major issues with changes of environment. Didn't know that I was this sensative to it until this all happened. I also believe that a depressive doesn't love themselves so the more people he or she has around who geniunely love them helps.

I knew my husband and Jean loved me...but my in-laws (not really). So I had two people. I have two handfuls here. I like that better.

I'm also concerned about a few things. If my husband and I get back together...what would it be like if we lived here in California? I don't want to get sad, and I understand that most couples don't do much. They usually stay home, but I don't want to be around someone who smokes anymore. I want my family to be nice to my husband and I'm not sure they will be...he has been so supportive and caring, but they want someone to blame for what happened in the U.K. and he was the only one around at the time.

I can barely make sense of my own life, or knowing how to support myself. Another thing that scares me is having my husband come here again, and get overwhelmed by the jobs and culture again. I can't support him the way I used to...though I was a total bit** and wasn't that supportive to begin with. Well, I can't support him as much as I'd like to basically. I think part of me is concerned how he'll fit into the life that we'd put together here. He doesn't like hanging out with my friends and my family. So then what? Outings, T.V., playing the Wii, reading our own books...will he go on walks with me? Will we get a dog. What kind of hours will we work? How will we save our money?

Will I ever be able to work a full time job again? That's a biggy for me. I don't like the label of disabled. I don't want to "not be able". It sounds horrible. I'm willing to take any label though if I could enjoy life again. If I can actually take pride of the little life that I'll have on this planet and do things that I will enjoy.

It's a good country. I think it's the best one to be in, especially if your in the warmer parts.

April 15, 2009

Got a second opinion on my meds today from my mom's doctor. Mom has the same ailment but she's more on the manic side, and I'm more on the depressive. Whatever that means.

2nd doctor raves about Lamictol. I read some reviews and a few people mentioned that it stopped working for them after 2 years. I still have Lithium to fall back on if that happens, though it the lithium has ballooned me up and makes me tired.

I'm so stressed that I'm numbed by it all. I still don't get why we're all living. Doctor said today that these thoughts are a symptom of depression. I'm interested to see if they'll ever disappear.

Will start the increase in Lamictol tonight.
Will take my Risperadol again...though I really don't want to.

Did nothing exciting today, though I really do enjoy my mother's company. It's nice to enjoy something again. She doesn't eat enough, but she loves the fries w/chilli from Tommy's Burgers in El Toro. She's had it two days in a row.

We're both supposed to take a 30 minute walk each day. It's so windy today. Will pass today and hope that I'll actually do it tomorrow.

April 14, 2009 - Day 6 on Lamictal

Exhausted today, but have this unnatural energy. A little paranoid, well maybe a lot. Thought that cameras were watching me, that people were following me, etc.

Nothing too serious I hope. I seem to have a better grasp on it this time around.
Starting Risperadol again tonight(my spelling sucks...so there). Went to the Social Security office yesterday and today to file for disability. IT TAKES 5 MONTHS to process, and the success rate is 30%. I wasn't sure what else there is to do. I spoke to my care coordinator. She suggested I file with the State Disability, not just federal. Filled in the forms with some help and handed them in. Now it's a matter of time to see what happens.

Passed my old work on my way back home, well my sister's home. Don't know where home is anymore...boohoo...who cares...nothing I can do about it now. I used to be a Commercial and Homeowners General Liability Claims Adjuster. Sounds fancy now.

I couldn't even imagine sitting at a work desk without going wiggly giggly, let alone talk to people, take their statements, and decide on their settlements. How in the world did I ever do that??? No wonder I got worse. It's such a stressful job. People yell at you constantly, you have deadline pressures, writing reports, so many files to manage, loads of phone messages to tend to, and the constant response of "I completely understand. I'm really sorry for what you're going through" ready to go at any time. I really was sorry to hear about what they were going through. So many injuries out there. So many pushy attorneys. So many unresponsive attorneys too. They were better off not having one most of the time.

The office politics was too much for me, the cold airconditioning vents, the tiny cubicles, hearing the other adjusters yelling on the phone. The noise.

I could actually manage to support myself if I could ONLY GO BACK.

Right now my brain parts are still "recovering" according to my care coordinator and psychiatrist. Thoughts about buying a gun are out of the question now. Don't think I could hack it. The sight of blood makes me queezy. I know I wouldn't actually see it, but for some reason I think I would. Funny that. Now the only other option is jumpting off the Golden Gate Bridge, but I'm scared of heights. Overdose is out of the question. Success rate is really low. Enough of that.

I was told recently that I have MIXED EPISODES. I'm having a manic and a depressive episode at once. It makes sense. This does feel so different than when I was solely having a depressive episode. Now I can move, but I'm negative majority of the day. Lovely. I'm just a ball of joy to have around.

Life feels so meaningless. I'm sure it's just the moods talking. When are they NOT talking? When do they STOP talking? Never, never, never, never...

LAMICTAL - see a difference in energy...last two nights, I've been waking up in the middle of the night really alert and awake. Difficult getting back to sleep.
LITHIUM 1200 mg now
WELLBUTRIN 150 mg

April 11, 2009

Saw the girls last night. It was nice to just pretend I'm okay and just get away from myself...and also open up briefly and let them know how I'm doing.

I have energy but my brain seems to not allow me to structure things in any positive shape at all. I'm constantly in the feeling that I've been defeated, that life isn't worth bothering with, and that it's sad to live if there's this much suffering to go with it.

Day three on Lamotrigine 25mg 2x a day. - have been a little better. Not sure if it's just the hope that this med will work. Have dreamed the past two nights. That usually happens when I'm on an SSRI, which push me to mania, therefore I don't take them. I really hope this works.
Inceased Lithium from 900mg to 1200mg. Wellbutrin at 150mg.

Gooooooooooooood, if you're out there, fix my outlook on life with these meds and help us bipolars with a cure. It would be lovely to be one of the few to actually get over the illness as one gets older.

Found a nice site: http://bipolar.about.com/cs/inspiration/ht/ht_hope.htm
Found it interesing that the authors mentioned that their doctor had said that we have trouble: planning, organizing, and remembering.

When I'm hypomanic I plan and organize really well. Memory is a little off, has been for many years now. Miss James but have no idea what to do with that situation. He's all the way in Britain. I'm really down and frozen in my thoughts. We have our apartment in Cardiff, Wales. It's just sitting there. I'm here at my sister's place in Dana Point, CA. The whole thing is too overwhelming for me to even figure out. I really am burnt out from this last episode. I hope I get back my brain power again. I still haven't really gotten into how I moved to Britain and reconsiled with my husband. Like I said, it overwhelms me and it's a really long story. From August of '08 to Oct '08, I was delusional and kept getting worse. I don't like going back there. It scares me to know that I can lose control of reality to such a high degree. Nice to see how quickly Abilify worked to get me back though.

Difficult to organize/plan and just make a decision. I don't think I can get back to Britain. I was ill the entire year that I was there from March '08 to March '09. I do feel more at home here. I grew up here.
E-2 P-2

April 10, 2009

I just think by starting this for the first time, that I don't want to make being bipolar sound like a horror. I'd like to be one of the success stories. I'm not currently feeling like much of a success story, but it's because I've had the full ride and am currently at the depression point of the whole thing. It's really long and drawn out this time.

I had my first delusional episode which only made me not want to have this thing even more. I've had really bad suicidal thoughts in the past 6 months, and have acted on them 3 times. Now I understand that killing yourself isn't as easy as one might think. For some, I'm sure it is, but for me it had to not hurt. I thought I'd be able to just take a bunch of pills and then go into la la land. I now understand that 97% of all overdose attempts aren't successful. I tried the hanging thing, but my body froze for an hour and I couldn't jump. The bag over the head thing just makes me clostrophobic (sp). A thought of buying a gun came to mind, but I just don't think I have it in me to actually do it. It didn't just come to mind. It became an obsession for several weeks. Found out how to get one, where to get one, etc. I just don't think that I could do it. I mean, do it, do it.

Here's how I ended up here. I was doing quite well on Lithium 900 mg and Wellbutrin 50 mg for 8 years. I promised myself that I wouldn't ever get off my meds because my mother became delusional bipolar 1 when I was 9. She wouldn't take her medication regularly. We'd have to chase her down the street and try to convince her that a killer wasn't after her family. (She's doing really well now. I think that it has mellowed down in her as she has gotten older...if that's even possible).

Unfortunately, I got into a mode. I was tired of being on the drugs. I had started going to church November of 2007, and thought I'd somehow be healed if I stopped taking them. I had separated from my husband at the time and I think my stress was higher than I was willing to admit. I weened off them. By December of '07 I was no longer taking them.

I had quit my job prior to all of this, September 2007. I was convinced that now that my husband was out of the picture, I didn't need as much money to help support a household. I decided to pursue my dream of doing art. I wanted to get a small job and then take classes. I did mangage to sign up for classes which I attended briefly. Low and behold I started to miss my husband again.

Long story short for now. I ended up in Wales with my husband in 2008 and not taking any meds...

Hey people, looking out the window at the city below
Hey people, looking out the window, full of fun and sorrow
Hey people, looking out the window at the city below
Hey people, looking out the window, you'll be gone tomorrow
The rollercoaster ride
The rollercoaster ride
Of all the trouble kept her inside