4/28/09-Tues.- 4 days OFF Lamictal

"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light." Groucho Marx
Got the above quote from Sandy Naiman's blog, "Coming out Crazy". I liked it.

I've started feeling down for the past 2-3 days. I'm not certain that it's because of the Lamictal withdrawl. It's also my PMS time, so I'm keeping that in mind.

Currently taking:
LITH - 1200mg
Wellbutrin - 150mg
Risperdol- .5 (started morning dose on 4/27), and .5 at night
--it's making me really drowsy

I'm scared of what's to come. I don't like where this illness is able to take me.
I know I have some back-up, but I believe the Lamictal was bringing in additional energy, but most importantly, a better perspective on life.

I wasn't constantly obsessing over the future, what I would do, just...what am i doing here.

J gave his notice in. The apartment will be moved out of by the end of May. Makes me so sad I can't even write about it. As usual, I don't have stability and long term joy. I have to sit here while these meds "make me better" while I lose everything we've worked to build. I think it's so unfair. I have to say that I do prefer this than being in denial of it all, or just oblivious to it. I used to blame J, my friends, and my family for everything.

I'm not sure what life is supposed to be like. I just currently feel that now's not the time to figure it out. It's true that I need to get better. I hope I do get to the point where I'm not just writing about this disease, but I'm also writing about some joys in life.

I'm so sad today. Morning- E-2, P-1 , Afternoon - E-1, P-1

Last Sunday I spent at F's house. I felt a little normal. I even helped him type out something. That Lamictal was helping.