Friday April 17,09

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/03/080312081256.htm

Good article.

It's Friday. Still recovering from my year long episode.
Lamictal seems to be working. I'm feeling a little tired all day, but I think it's because of the Risperadol.

I'm so confused about what to do with my life. I know that right now I need to focus on myself getting better. It's all I have energy to do, but so much of me wishes that I could do more. I feel frozen in place but moving into nothing.

Want so badly to just be one of the many oblivious ones who just enjoy life, or even take it for granted, but don't think so much about it. I'm not sure why we're here. I want to know. Just wish I understood what I do know and have seen so far.
I know one thing. I'm not made to have children. It's too risky and it wouldn't be fair for the child in case I got really ill. Also, I wouldn't want to pass on the gene. No disrespect to us all, but I rather not be here, so why put someone else through it. I'm sure there are enough people who are already having enough kids to replace the ones I'm not having.

Life is turning out different than I expected it to be.
I just hope I don't live passed 50. I doubt my ailment will get any better, and things start to get even more complicated after that age. At least that's what I think.

My husband's in Britain. Been apart for over a month now.
He's waiting patiently until I get better. He's hoping that I'll return to our place in Wales, but I'm starting to feel comfortable with my space. I wasn't able to do that in Wales. I can do that here in California. The sun is a blessing too. Nice and warm on my skin. Nice and bright on my eyes. Family and friends are close by. People who have known me for ages. I don't have to explain myself to them. A lot to do, once one's well. The weather allows a lot of outdoor activities.

I do miss Jean and her dog. She was so nice to me. It was good to chat with her. Carolyn was nice as well. I guess I wasn't well enough, the time that I was there, to learn to appreciate it. My in-laws are really kind people, but very distant. My brother in law is invisible actually...but that's a whole other story. My mother and father in law were there, but just enough as they had to be. I don't think they really understood what was happening with me. I overheard them after Christmas complaining about how I didn't have fun even after EVERTHING that they had done. Yeah, I didn't have fun, because when a bipolar is down...fun isn't really an option, especially being THAT down. Down enough to want to disappear. But I guess people are people. Some really just don't get it.

I'll never forget how alone I felt in that country. I'm not sure why. My husband was there, but I felt like I was missing water. I was the fish that was dropped off without any water. I missed my fishbowl and the little community that I had in it. My little reality that I had was taken away. Even now, I feel the pain of having had it torn from me.

I don't see things in the same innocent way that I used to see them. I have major issues with changes of environment. Didn't know that I was this sensative to it until this all happened. I also believe that a depressive doesn't love themselves so the more people he or she has around who geniunely love them helps.

I knew my husband and Jean loved me...but my in-laws (not really). So I had two people. I have two handfuls here. I like that better.

I'm also concerned about a few things. If my husband and I get back together...what would it be like if we lived here in California? I don't want to get sad, and I understand that most couples don't do much. They usually stay home, but I don't want to be around someone who smokes anymore. I want my family to be nice to my husband and I'm not sure they will be...he has been so supportive and caring, but they want someone to blame for what happened in the U.K. and he was the only one around at the time.

I can barely make sense of my own life, or knowing how to support myself. Another thing that scares me is having my husband come here again, and get overwhelmed by the jobs and culture again. I can't support him the way I used to...though I was a total bit** and wasn't that supportive to begin with. Well, I can't support him as much as I'd like to basically. I think part of me is concerned how he'll fit into the life that we'd put together here. He doesn't like hanging out with my friends and my family. So then what? Outings, T.V., playing the Wii, reading our own books...will he go on walks with me? Will we get a dog. What kind of hours will we work? How will we save our money?

Will I ever be able to work a full time job again? That's a biggy for me. I don't like the label of disabled. I don't want to "not be able". It sounds horrible. I'm willing to take any label though if I could enjoy life again. If I can actually take pride of the little life that I'll have on this planet and do things that I will enjoy.

It's a good country. I think it's the best one to be in, especially if your in the warmer parts.