April 14, 2009 - Day 6 on Lamictal

Exhausted today, but have this unnatural energy. A little paranoid, well maybe a lot. Thought that cameras were watching me, that people were following me, etc.

Nothing too serious I hope. I seem to have a better grasp on it this time around.
Starting Risperadol again tonight(my spelling sucks...so there). Went to the Social Security office yesterday and today to file for disability. IT TAKES 5 MONTHS to process, and the success rate is 30%. I wasn't sure what else there is to do. I spoke to my care coordinator. She suggested I file with the State Disability, not just federal. Filled in the forms with some help and handed them in. Now it's a matter of time to see what happens.

Passed my old work on my way back home, well my sister's home. Don't know where home is anymore...boohoo...who cares...nothing I can do about it now. I used to be a Commercial and Homeowners General Liability Claims Adjuster. Sounds fancy now.

I couldn't even imagine sitting at a work desk without going wiggly giggly, let alone talk to people, take their statements, and decide on their settlements. How in the world did I ever do that??? No wonder I got worse. It's such a stressful job. People yell at you constantly, you have deadline pressures, writing reports, so many files to manage, loads of phone messages to tend to, and the constant response of "I completely understand. I'm really sorry for what you're going through" ready to go at any time. I really was sorry to hear about what they were going through. So many injuries out there. So many pushy attorneys. So many unresponsive attorneys too. They were better off not having one most of the time.

The office politics was too much for me, the cold airconditioning vents, the tiny cubicles, hearing the other adjusters yelling on the phone. The noise.

I could actually manage to support myself if I could ONLY GO BACK.

Right now my brain parts are still "recovering" according to my care coordinator and psychiatrist. Thoughts about buying a gun are out of the question now. Don't think I could hack it. The sight of blood makes me queezy. I know I wouldn't actually see it, but for some reason I think I would. Funny that. Now the only other option is jumpting off the Golden Gate Bridge, but I'm scared of heights. Overdose is out of the question. Success rate is really low. Enough of that.

I was told recently that I have MIXED EPISODES. I'm having a manic and a depressive episode at once. It makes sense. This does feel so different than when I was solely having a depressive episode. Now I can move, but I'm negative majority of the day. Lovely. I'm just a ball of joy to have around.

Life feels so meaningless. I'm sure it's just the moods talking. When are they NOT talking? When do they STOP talking? Never, never, never, never...

LAMICTAL - see a difference in energy...last two nights, I've been waking up in the middle of the night really alert and awake. Difficult getting back to sleep.
LITHIUM 1200 mg now
WELLBUTRIN 150 mg