Lamictal is not for me unfortunately, though it seems to work well with my moods.
I'm just allergic to it. Makes me itchy, bloats up my face, gives me abdominal pain and leg pain, makes my lips puffy, and eventually starts to close up my throat.
Am told it's an unusual side effect but it's there, so there's not much that I can do about it.
I've naturally come out of the 8 month depression, not completely, I still feel down in the mornings, but I'm much better than I was 3 months again.
I have to see what other meds the doctor wants to try.
I'm feeling okay now, but if this is part of the swing, then the next step will be up, up, and then way up. Not sure how high I go naturally now. I used to only get hypomanic. Racing thoughts would get in the way of completing tasks and so would the depression.
I just have to make the best of my situation. It sucks, it stinks, but at least there's some breathe room with this break between the high and low. Some people don't even have that. Some people have chronic pain.
Bipolar Sara's Blog
Taking 7 1200mg fish oil tabs a day. 3 in the morning, 4 at night.
Had my first dose last night. I felt better after a few hours and feel better today.
Not sure how fast it kicks in.
I'm having my first okay day in a very long time.
I've decided to make the most of it.
I'm a little on the low modivation side.
J lost his job yesterday. Felt sad about that. I'm sure he'll find another one. He's a great person to work with and have around, so I'm sure his old boss will give him a good recommendation.
Still on LITHIUM 1200mg, RISPERADOL- 1mg at night...now added 7 tabs of 1200mg fish oil.
Last night's group meeting was good. The leader is great at veering us in the right direction. A lot of depressed people last night. It's usually a group of fairly stable people. There was a man there who is very suicidal. I hope he comes back next week. Joked after my introduction and my summary of the week. Trying to keep my humor during this process. I'm surprised how easy it is to use it when you're dealing with strangers.
Our group rep made some good points. Everything is relative. We're lucky to live in such a nice part of the world. Also, he asked if I would sell my arm for 2 million dollars, which only made me think...I have enough problems as it is. Don't need another one. I catch his drift.
I hope the Fish Oil really works. Side effects are low and it's known to lower the depression moods.
With everything...we shall wait and see.
Something else that stuck with me. A guy who has been dealing with BP for 31 years was talking and he mentioned that people with Bipolar need to make sure that they prevent as many situations that may cause them hurt. I don't deal very well with being hurt. Regular people have a difficult time dealing with it, but I think he's right...It doesn't help to put one self in a position where you'll be hurt. I just hope that my chemicals are balanced enough where I create an environment for myself that keeps me less prone to getting hurt, or one where I don't get hurt so often.
I wonder about J and I's situation. It's painful to be away from him. I love talking to him and being in touch with him. I miss him. It hurt to be away from my family too. Now I'm with them. That's actually a relief. I just hope that something doesn't have to give. I hope that he saves enough money and he moves here.
I hope that I can lead a life that's low on drama...and I just enjoy the people I love.
Sometimes that's not so easy. People have their different personalities and their own issues...their quirks...something said or done is taken the wrong way. Dealing with relationshihps isn't easy. People who make it look easy must have a nice erray of chemicals.
Feel like shit. Don't think it's anything's fault. I just have to be patient.
I'm tired of living. I'm tired of being depressed and then mixed. I hate being dependent on people. I, unfortunately, am not well enough to stand on my own two feet.
Sometimes I think what people must be thinking of me: "why doesn't she try harder?"
"why doesn't she do something about her problem?"
I don't know what else to do. I've sought help. I'm on yet another mood stabilizer. I'm a real depressive and I'm not sure how this pill is going to help with the depression aspect of things.
I'm really down. Really really down. I get concerned about 10 years from now. If I get this down at 33, I don't think I'll make it to my 40's.
I try not to think too much about J. There was a time when I had the strength to believe in the future, get prepared for it, and make a new nest. All of that is gone. What scares me is the depression, but on top of that, it scares me to think what'll come after it. Will it be another hypomanic episode? All filled with lack of organized thought and clear direction?
I want my brain back and no one can give it back to me. I've read up on the meds and there's not much out there for someone like me. Lamictal was working but I'm allergic to it. Lithium is in my system and it's not doing anything.
****LITHIUM 1200 mg
****Wellbutrin - 0 mg
****Rispredol - 1mg
****Depikote - 500 mg 2x a day - 1000mg for a week
Feel down and irritable.
I think I have a few ounces of decency and balance left in me.
I'm not sure how long that'll last. Topomax seemed to wipe out any proper thought
processes that I had going on. Got my memory REALLY foggy. I rather die than be happy and not have my brain. People should just respect that. I'm not in my 70's or 80's. I don't want to live that way.
No disrespect to people who do, but I don't want to be that big a burden. I'm already a burden. I can't oragize my bills at this point in time. I can't organize where to live, where to work etc. I know it's just in my brain, but I can't do anything to make it seem less real.
I'm having rapid cycles. I'm no use to anyone, but that's okay.
I think being human is enough. Sometimes just doing the best that you
can is enough. (that's what I wrote and pasted from 10 minutes ago...completely different view than what I wrote above. It's doing my head in.) I feel like a lunatic. Well, technically I am one. I can't keep my thoughts balanced anymore. Somewhere between all this is a part of me that's still not eaten up by all this.
I know that with time, that part is going to be smaller and smaller. Or, is it that
I'm having an episode, so I can't hear that part of me clearly? I wish these doctors could tell you something to ease the suffering.
I've started taking diaz 3 times a day today. The withdrawal from the other med
doesn't help at all. They've done a social study comparing people with terminal
illness with those of severe mental and all is the same with the exception of terminally ill patients having more physical pain and having a better social life. More friends to come and see them etc.
People don't understand this illness. That's understandable. I myself don't like it, so I can't expect a stranger to just take it on and find it enriching. I feel like a nuisance to society. I feel like the equivalent to a person who's in jail. I'm just sucking up the system and not doing anything...but I guess that applies to every poor disabled person. I don't want it to apply to them.
I'm not sure why, but it seems that if you're mentally strained, it just takes away such an important aspect of your life. I don't do anything. I don't enjoy what I manage to do. I'm scared of what effects the medications will have long term and also on my cycles, whether they'll make them worse.
I know I'm rapid cycling because of this withdrawal, but I also wonder if I'm kicked into a new trend because of this drug. I wonder if having taken Prozac at an early age made me prone to more episodes. It's something that can never be proven at this point.
I've written to a psychiatrist about Lamictal. I don't have insurance so I'm using a county doctor who has about 15 minutes of time for me. So I asked if it's possible to take a lower dose of Lamictal if I had an allergic reaction to it at a higher dose. I need to pay him $15 online.
Hi,
3rd day with the reduction of Topomax. Each day is more emotional than that last.
I feel like the world just revolves around me and this problem at the moment. I try to be caring and helpful to the people around me and I'm not really able to do it.
I've become a better listener.
I'm having rapid cycles. I'm fine one minute, then semi-hypo manic one minute, then completely depressed. I wanted to blame the Wellbutrin. Wasn't sure why I was rapid cycling. Not sure if I have been this entire time. I'm pretty sure that my cycles had been BAD in the mornings and SOME relief after 4pm. Now it's all over the place.
Think it's the withdrawl. Took a diazepam to take care of it for a little while.
I'm scared. I want so badly to be strong. I want to be able to distinguish the fact that I'm having a mood swing and then just be able to lay back and watch it from afar. I partially can sometimes. Did I mention that I'm scared?
I felt suicidal 3 times today. I think talking about it to my therapist didn't help.
I don't want to be like this and I don't know how to help myself anymore.
I'm scared taht I'm going to end up like my mom and like my uncle. they're not so bad. My mom isn't so bad. She also has seizures, so she takes some medicine that has messed with her cognition more. My uncle sounds gone, but I think his condition was more severe than both me and my mom's to begin with.
I know sitting around and feeling sorry for myself only makes me have more episodes and effects my state of mind.
I just want to see J again. I feel that this illness makes me a bad person. It's so close to me that it's hard to differentiate who is who. I'm just a bad and flawed person. I'm not sure where all that confidence of mine went. This is my 5th crying spell today. I'm exhausted.
I'm just a nuisance. No one from Britain calls me. It would be nice if J's family would just call to check up on me and say hello. I think I just expect too much from people. My outlook of the situation is off. J is having to move out on his own and they're helping him. He's moving in with them and it's because of me. People expect me to brush this off as if I can and just get back to life. I'm flawed. It's doesn't work that way. They're something broken in me and it needs fixing.
I've read about all these mood stabilizers and the two that they've tried on me are the best to lift depression from bipolar. Lithium, which I'm not sure what it's doing, and Lamictal, which I'm allergic to. I wonder if I can get a second opinion and find out if I can take a lower dose of Lamictal even though I'm allergic.
Here we go, out of a low state and now into a normal state. It's really agrivating.
I'm not sure what purpose it's supposed to serve in nature. I suppose that's why they call it an illness. It's not serving anything.