5/21/09 - off of wellbutrin, still on depakote

Feel like shit. Don't think it's anything's fault. I just have to be patient.

I'm tired of living. I'm tired of being depressed and then mixed. I hate being dependent on people. I, unfortunately, am not well enough to stand on my own two feet.

Sometimes I think what people must be thinking of me: "why doesn't she try harder?"
"why doesn't she do something about her problem?"

I don't know what else to do. I've sought help. I'm on yet another mood stabilizer. I'm a real depressive and I'm not sure how this pill is going to help with the depression aspect of things.

I'm really down. Really really down. I get concerned about 10 years from now. If I get this down at 33, I don't think I'll make it to my 40's.

I try not to think too much about J. There was a time when I had the strength to believe in the future, get prepared for it, and make a new nest. All of that is gone. What scares me is the depression, but on top of that, it scares me to think what'll come after it. Will it be another hypomanic episode? All filled with lack of organized thought and clear direction?

I want my brain back and no one can give it back to me. I've read up on the meds and there's not much out there for someone like me. Lamictal was working but I'm allergic to it. Lithium is in my system and it's not doing anything.

****LITHIUM 1200 mg
****Wellbutrin - 0 mg
****Rispredol - 1mg
****Depikote - 500 mg 2x a day - 1000mg for a week