05-13-2009 - met therapist/getting off of TOPOMAX

Hi,
3rd day with the reduction of Topomax. Each day is more emotional than that last.
I feel like the world just revolves around me and this problem at the moment. I try to be caring and helpful to the people around me and I'm not really able to do it.

I've become a better listener.

I'm having rapid cycles. I'm fine one minute, then semi-hypo manic one minute, then completely depressed. I wanted to blame the Wellbutrin. Wasn't sure why I was rapid cycling. Not sure if I have been this entire time. I'm pretty sure that my cycles had been BAD in the mornings and SOME relief after 4pm. Now it's all over the place.

Think it's the withdrawl. Took a diazepam to take care of it for a little while.
I'm scared. I want so badly to be strong. I want to be able to distinguish the fact that I'm having a mood swing and then just be able to lay back and watch it from afar. I partially can sometimes. Did I mention that I'm scared?

I felt suicidal 3 times today. I think talking about it to my therapist didn't help.
I don't want to be like this and I don't know how to help myself anymore.

I'm scared taht I'm going to end up like my mom and like my uncle. they're not so bad. My mom isn't so bad. She also has seizures, so she takes some medicine that has messed with her cognition more. My uncle sounds gone, but I think his condition was more severe than both me and my mom's to begin with.

I know sitting around and feeling sorry for myself only makes me have more episodes and effects my state of mind.

I just want to see J again. I feel that this illness makes me a bad person. It's so close to me that it's hard to differentiate who is who. I'm just a bad and flawed person. I'm not sure where all that confidence of mine went. This is my 5th crying spell today. I'm exhausted.

I'm just a nuisance. No one from Britain calls me. It would be nice if J's family would just call to check up on me and say hello. I think I just expect too much from people. My outlook of the situation is off. J is having to move out on his own and they're helping him. He's moving in with them and it's because of me. People expect me to brush this off as if I can and just get back to life. I'm flawed. It's doesn't work that way. They're something broken in me and it needs fixing.

I've read about all these mood stabilizers and the two that they've tried on me are the best to lift depression from bipolar. Lithium, which I'm not sure what it's doing, and Lamictal, which I'm allergic to. I wonder if I can get a second opinion and find out if I can take a lower dose of Lamictal even though I'm allergic.

Here we go, out of a low state and now into a normal state. It's really agrivating.
I'm not sure what purpose it's supposed to serve in nature. I suppose that's why they call it an illness. It's not serving anything.