Friday 6/5/09- 5th day on TEGRETOL

Not sure if Tegretol is working. I did pick out something colorful to wear last night for the meeting, which is diferent. I feel fuzzy lately. I'm thinking that things have to get worse before they get better.

I hear something really minor, just minor sounds in my ear.

I feel that my whole world is gone. I have to make my way out of this whole. I can bearly do anything. I did manage to get out yesterday and also walk on the beach. It's more than what most people say. I don't want to be left alone. I'm afraid that everyone will be tired of me and this condition. Most people don't seem to understand it.

I paid my sister $300, because they're not in a good financial state. I just wish they didn't spend money outside so much. It's really none of my business, but since I'm sleeping on the couch and also giving them money, I just want it to go towards a good cause. It's not my fault that they didn't manage their money correctly.

It just seems like we're in a bad situation any direction we look. I miss James, but I feel that I'm no use to him in this condition. But what's marriage? Are you supposed to be in a good state the whole time? Is it okay if you break down? We're only human.

That's another thing. Mortality and the fact that I'm only human has really resonated in me. I still wish that I don't make it past 50. I don't want to get old.

I wish I got well enough where I could work long term, save money, and get a nice place to live. I don't want to ever jepordize my credit, or over spend. I just hope I catch myself if this disease pushes me to that.

I really feel like I hage no where to go. I don't want to be here and I don't want to be in Britain right now. I think that it's the fact that I don't want to be in my skin, so it doesn't necessary matter where I am. I'm currently not well.

I'm better off not telling my sister anything about their spending. It's none of my business. I just wish that I was in a better situation. Somewhere where I didn't depend on anyone. I guess that would be no where, because we all depend on eachother to a degree.

I hope my brain comes back again.