May 14, 2009- topomax withdrawal no fun

I think I have a few ounces of decency and balance left in me.
I'm not sure how long that'll last. Topomax seemed to wipe out any proper thought
processes that I had going on. Got my memory REALLY foggy. I rather die than be happy and not have my brain. People should just respect that. I'm not in my 70's or 80's. I don't want to live that way.

No disrespect to people who do, but I don't want to be that big a burden. I'm already a burden. I can't oragize my bills at this point in time. I can't organize where to live, where to work etc. I know it's just in my brain, but I can't do anything to make it seem less real.

I'm having rapid cycles. I'm no use to anyone, but that's okay.
I think being human is enough. Sometimes just doing the best that you
can is enough. (that's what I wrote and pasted from 10 minutes ago...completely different view than what I wrote above. It's doing my head in.) I feel like a lunatic. Well, technically I am one. I can't keep my thoughts balanced anymore. Somewhere between all this is a part of me that's still not eaten up by all this.
I know that with time, that part is going to be smaller and smaller. Or, is it that
I'm having an episode, so I can't hear that part of me clearly? I wish these doctors could tell you something to ease the suffering.

I've started taking diaz 3 times a day today. The withdrawal from the other med
doesn't help at all. They've done a social study comparing people with terminal
illness with those of severe mental and all is the same with the exception of terminally ill patients having more physical pain and having a better social life. More friends to come and see them etc.

People don't understand this illness. That's understandable. I myself don't like it, so I can't expect a stranger to just take it on and find it enriching. I feel like a nuisance to society. I feel like the equivalent to a person who's in jail. I'm just sucking up the system and not doing anything...but I guess that applies to every poor disabled person. I don't want it to apply to them.
I'm not sure why, but it seems that if you're mentally strained, it just takes away such an important aspect of your life. I don't do anything. I don't enjoy what I manage to do. I'm scared of what effects the medications will have long term and also on my cycles, whether they'll make them worse.

I know I'm rapid cycling because of this withdrawal, but I also wonder if I'm kicked into a new trend because of this drug. I wonder if having taken Prozac at an early age made me prone to more episodes. It's something that can never be proven at this point.

I've written to a psychiatrist about Lamictal. I don't have insurance so I'm using a county doctor who has about 15 minutes of time for me. So I asked if it's possible to take a lower dose of Lamictal if I had an allergic reaction to it at a higher dose. I need to pay him $15 online.