April 18, 2009- Day 11 on Lamictal

Unbelievable - I'm finally not having suicidal thoughts. I haven't had that luxury for 7 months! That's the longest that it's happened. Only other time was when I stopped taking Prozac after it made me really really hypomanic for 6 months. I always wonder, if I'm so sensitive to Prozac, and it seems to lift my mood within the first 2-3 days, then why can't they use it for 2-3 days only? That would be great.

Spent time with a friend today. The Harbor in Dana Point is beautiful. Took a walk with my Sister, her kids, and my brother in-law. I actually enjoyed something. I've been laughing. Not a manic laugh but a nice calm fun laugh.

Now this is from someone who would have paid everything and anything, though at this point I'm completely broke...but for example's sake...would have paid anything to just not be here anymore. I REALLY mean that. Whoever is thinking of outing themselves, which by the way is more tricky than I was hoping it would have been, keep trying some meds. Even when you just want to give up, give yourself another 2 months and try other meds. (I think I'm mostly writing this for myself, because I don't seem to process that when I'm down...down down down-that kind of down. It's as though the brain can't find any connection to anything positive no matter what people tell you.) I understand that it's a living hell, and that most people would trade it with being in a wheelchair, as long as they could at least have their peace of mind. Fantastic thing that 'peace of mind'.


Got in a tiff with the hubby from a million miles away. He thinks that I'll change my mind and go back to Cardiff, as I've mentioned before, but I don't think I will.

I don't know what to think. I'm kind of taking each day as it comes. Every day I seem to be getting better. (I'm scared to say it because I'm not sure if I'm imagining it). I haven't gotten to a point where life just seems do-able. It's all very big and it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Well, brother-in-law is here now. I'm going to show him this blogging business.