April 10, 2009

I just think by starting this for the first time, that I don't want to make being bipolar sound like a horror. I'd like to be one of the success stories. I'm not currently feeling like much of a success story, but it's because I've had the full ride and am currently at the depression point of the whole thing. It's really long and drawn out this time.

I had my first delusional episode which only made me not want to have this thing even more. I've had really bad suicidal thoughts in the past 6 months, and have acted on them 3 times. Now I understand that killing yourself isn't as easy as one might think. For some, I'm sure it is, but for me it had to not hurt. I thought I'd be able to just take a bunch of pills and then go into la la land. I now understand that 97% of all overdose attempts aren't successful. I tried the hanging thing, but my body froze for an hour and I couldn't jump. The bag over the head thing just makes me clostrophobic (sp). A thought of buying a gun came to mind, but I just don't think I have it in me to actually do it. It didn't just come to mind. It became an obsession for several weeks. Found out how to get one, where to get one, etc. I just don't think that I could do it. I mean, do it, do it.

Here's how I ended up here. I was doing quite well on Lithium 900 mg and Wellbutrin 50 mg for 8 years. I promised myself that I wouldn't ever get off my meds because my mother became delusional bipolar 1 when I was 9. She wouldn't take her medication regularly. We'd have to chase her down the street and try to convince her that a killer wasn't after her family. (She's doing really well now. I think that it has mellowed down in her as she has gotten older...if that's even possible).

Unfortunately, I got into a mode. I was tired of being on the drugs. I had started going to church November of 2007, and thought I'd somehow be healed if I stopped taking them. I had separated from my husband at the time and I think my stress was higher than I was willing to admit. I weened off them. By December of '07 I was no longer taking them.

I had quit my job prior to all of this, September 2007. I was convinced that now that my husband was out of the picture, I didn't need as much money to help support a household. I decided to pursue my dream of doing art. I wanted to get a small job and then take classes. I did mangage to sign up for classes which I attended briefly. Low and behold I started to miss my husband again.

Long story short for now. I ended up in Wales with my husband in 2008 and not taking any meds...