April 11, 2009

Saw the girls last night. It was nice to just pretend I'm okay and just get away from myself...and also open up briefly and let them know how I'm doing.

I have energy but my brain seems to not allow me to structure things in any positive shape at all. I'm constantly in the feeling that I've been defeated, that life isn't worth bothering with, and that it's sad to live if there's this much suffering to go with it.

Day three on Lamotrigine 25mg 2x a day. - have been a little better. Not sure if it's just the hope that this med will work. Have dreamed the past two nights. That usually happens when I'm on an SSRI, which push me to mania, therefore I don't take them. I really hope this works.
Inceased Lithium from 900mg to 1200mg. Wellbutrin at 150mg.

Gooooooooooooood, if you're out there, fix my outlook on life with these meds and help us bipolars with a cure. It would be lovely to be one of the few to actually get over the illness as one gets older.

Found a nice site: http://bipolar.about.com/cs/inspiration/ht/ht_hope.htm
Found it interesing that the authors mentioned that their doctor had said that we have trouble: planning, organizing, and remembering.

When I'm hypomanic I plan and organize really well. Memory is a little off, has been for many years now. Miss James but have no idea what to do with that situation. He's all the way in Britain. I'm really down and frozen in my thoughts. We have our apartment in Cardiff, Wales. It's just sitting there. I'm here at my sister's place in Dana Point, CA. The whole thing is too overwhelming for me to even figure out. I really am burnt out from this last episode. I hope I get back my brain power again. I still haven't really gotten into how I moved to Britain and reconsiled with my husband. Like I said, it overwhelms me and it's a really long story. From August of '08 to Oct '08, I was delusional and kept getting worse. I don't like going back there. It scares me to know that I can lose control of reality to such a high degree. Nice to see how quickly Abilify worked to get me back though.

Difficult to organize/plan and just make a decision. I don't think I can get back to Britain. I was ill the entire year that I was there from March '08 to March '09. I do feel more at home here. I grew up here.
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