4/29/09-Wed: Who knew seeds were so interesting?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seed

***changes: 3rd day on Morning dose of Risperadol added, still taking night dose of .5

Seeds are pretty interesting. Seeds grow up to be trees, or bushes, or plants etc...

We grow up to be children and then grow into different phases of adulthood.
I suppose if I was to find seeds interesting, I should find us interesting as well.

With depression, it's a miracle to find Madonna interesting if she were to show up right in front of you. So, since I'm able to hang onto seeds at the moment shows that my withdrawl from Lamictal isn't pulling me to a complete abyss. It takes time to get really low when you've been that high. I know with prozac it took me approximately a month. I was pretty high with Prozac though.

I'm starting to feel a little down. It's starting to get real that the apartment in Wales will be gone. I just wish I had the strength to live there, make friends there, and be happy there, but I really don't. I don't know what it is that I want, but one thing I know I need are the familiars of California. I've been trying to find a purpose...my purpose has been to be J's wife for so long...I don't understand life...but sometimes I do. I understand that we're just supposed to live daily. I wish I didn't cry so much. I wish I didn't have this disease.

What am I going to do when all I know is changed or gone? Sounds like a song I've heard.

I can't even believe I was able to move to Wales and actually live there. I really don't know how I was able to do it with this condition. Sometimes I wonder if I was able to do it because of this condition. Was it the highs.

I miss J, but I really don't want to put him through this kind of existence. I want to make the people around me happy. I'm not able to do so with this condition...but I'm hopeful. The right mixture of these meds will come together.

Another thing is work. Will I ever work again? What will I do? I just feel like a real waste of space. I could use a cigarette right now. I haven't smoked in a really long time. I doesn't help my condition with the stimulants.

Seeing the doctor tomorrow at 11am. We'll see what he suggests.