April 22, 2009

I'm feeling under the weather. I have been for the last 3 days. Today it's the aches in the upper body and the lower body. I keep farting too. It's not nice.

E-1, P-1 in the morning
E-3, P-1 in the afternoon

I'm finally finding my bearings around here again. I can't believe how all of this experience has affected my outlook on EVERTHING. I view us humans as ants now. I never looked at it that way before. I view us as animals. We just come and go like an elephant or a lion. We each live our lives, do whatever w/society, and then go. That's why I've decided to live day by day, unless of course my pills stop working, but I won't think about that. If they were to stop working, I'd just be in another reality anyway and wouldn't remember that I'm supposed to day live to day, or I wouldn't believe in living day to day.

So much is up in the air at the moment. I live hour by hour really. I try not to think too much. I'm just getting better.

I'm still trying to control my emotional reaction to situations. Thought I was doing well, until I listened to Delyla, a song today, and started to cry. I also cried for some other reason, but I can't remember when and what all the details were about.

**Lamictal-100mg, will be boosting to 200mg- doctor says that it shouldn't lead me to mania, not supposed to do that. I was concerned when I wasn't able to sleep and was really hyper a few nights back.

**Lithium-1200mg, makes me over weight, but they won't cut it because of who knows what. I would guess it's a back-up in case Lamictal stops working, or it's because they don't want to reduce something and then have bad reprecussions.

**Risperadol- .5mg per night - gets rid of my paranoid thoughts, whether it's big or small. Think I may have to start taking 1mg a day because I'm a little paranoid about things my sister has said today. Will just wait and see.

**Wellbutrin - 150mg - don't think it's doing anything, but not sure. Used to take 50mg for 8 years along with 900 mg of lithium, but that was before my last episode.

Not very productive today but did manage to get out of the house and drive my mom to the store. There's talk of my parents moving out of here. I can view it as stressful. I do view it as unfortunate timing, because I'm not well enough for yet another big change or watching my parents leave....but it doesn't matter what I think. There are higher priorities apparently.

J is moving into his parents and handing in the lease to our apartment. I'm glad he'll be somewhere that has warmth, a nice cute cat, some company, and nice home cooked meals. It'll be better for him than waiting for me. I'm not sure when or if I'm going to get well enough to live in another country. I need my support system pretty badly and building a new one is very time consuming. More difficult to do in colder weather too. I hope he saves up and gets himself a few nice things, but also sets aside a good amount as well. I guess what I would do if I could actually work, is set aside the rent amount that I used to pay and then spend the rest.

I hope there won't be any conflicts here. I don't like conflicts at all. They can be prevented so easily so why even have them. Well disagreements I can understand but to cause mayham over something isn't nice.

5 things I'm greatful for from today (this is supposed to help w/mood according to some article I read)

1. My conversation w/J today
2. My banana and stawberry smoothy
3. Holding my nephew and spending time with my niece
4. That my headache is much better than yesterday
5. New Cartoons