Mood is a - 4

It's nice to be out of a complete rut. I'm now dusting my feathers.
I have trouble getting up in the mornings and the thought of work makes me shiver.
I need to get back on my feet though, but without making myself worse again.

10/24/09 - Lithium and Risperdal

Been on Lithium and Risperdal for several months now.

1500 mg lith
1 mg Risperdal

Risperdal helps with the agitation, irritability, and the delusional thoughts.
I've been having a few down days. Today's the worse. Keep crying.

But other than that, I was getting stable. I felt much better. I had started going to the gym. I'm not sure exactly what bit me in the ass. I got a little sick a few days ago. I also found out that this course I wanted to take for Sonography has a 4 year waiting period. It also sounds really difficult. I really doubt myself since I've gotten ill.

I feel like a waste. Like I'm no good use to anyone.

Friday 6/5/09- 5th day on TEGRETOL

Not sure if Tegretol is working. I did pick out something colorful to wear last night for the meeting, which is diferent. I feel fuzzy lately. I'm thinking that things have to get worse before they get better.

I hear something really minor, just minor sounds in my ear.

I feel that my whole world is gone. I have to make my way out of this whole. I can bearly do anything. I did manage to get out yesterday and also walk on the beach. It's more than what most people say. I don't want to be left alone. I'm afraid that everyone will be tired of me and this condition. Most people don't seem to understand it.

I paid my sister $300, because they're not in a good financial state. I just wish they didn't spend money outside so much. It's really none of my business, but since I'm sleeping on the couch and also giving them money, I just want it to go towards a good cause. It's not my fault that they didn't manage their money correctly.

It just seems like we're in a bad situation any direction we look. I miss James, but I feel that I'm no use to him in this condition. But what's marriage? Are you supposed to be in a good state the whole time? Is it okay if you break down? We're only human.

That's another thing. Mortality and the fact that I'm only human has really resonated in me. I still wish that I don't make it past 50. I don't want to get old.

I wish I got well enough where I could work long term, save money, and get a nice place to live. I don't want to ever jepordize my credit, or over spend. I just hope I catch myself if this disease pushes me to that.

I really feel like I hage no where to go. I don't want to be here and I don't want to be in Britain right now. I think that it's the fact that I don't want to be in my skin, so it doesn't necessary matter where I am. I'm currently not well.

I'm better off not telling my sister anything about their spending. It's none of my business. I just wish that I was in a better situation. Somewhere where I didn't depend on anyone. I guess that would be no where, because we all depend on eachother to a degree.

I hope my brain comes back again.

***LAST TRY w/LAMICTAL - ended up in ER again

Lamictal is not for me unfortunately, though it seems to work well with my moods.
I'm just allergic to it. Makes me itchy, bloats up my face, gives me abdominal pain and leg pain, makes my lips puffy, and eventually starts to close up my throat.

Am told it's an unusual side effect but it's there, so there's not much that I can do about it.

I've naturally come out of the 8 month depression, not completely, I still feel down in the mornings, but I'm much better than I was 3 months again.

I have to see what other meds the doctor wants to try.

I'm feeling okay now, but if this is part of the swing, then the next step will be up, up, and then way up. Not sure how high I go naturally now. I used to only get hypomanic. Racing thoughts would get in the way of completing tasks and so would the depression.

I just have to make the best of my situation. It sucks, it stinks, but at least there's some breathe room with this break between the high and low. Some people don't even have that. Some people have chronic pain.

5/22/09-no more depakote, 2nd day on FISH OIL

Taking 7 1200mg fish oil tabs a day. 3 in the morning, 4 at night.

Had my first dose last night. I felt better after a few hours and feel better today.
Not sure how fast it kicks in.

I'm having my first okay day in a very long time.

I've decided to make the most of it.

I'm a little on the low modivation side.

J lost his job yesterday. Felt sad about that. I'm sure he'll find another one. He's a great person to work with and have around, so I'm sure his old boss will give him a good recommendation.

Still on LITHIUM 1200mg, RISPERADOL- 1mg at night...now added 7 tabs of 1200mg fish oil.

Last night's group meeting was good. The leader is great at veering us in the right direction. A lot of depressed people last night. It's usually a group of fairly stable people. There was a man there who is very suicidal. I hope he comes back next week. Joked after my introduction and my summary of the week. Trying to keep my humor during this process. I'm surprised how easy it is to use it when you're dealing with strangers.

Our group rep made some good points. Everything is relative. We're lucky to live in such a nice part of the world. Also, he asked if I would sell my arm for 2 million dollars, which only made me think...I have enough problems as it is. Don't need another one. I catch his drift.

I hope the Fish Oil really works. Side effects are low and it's known to lower the depression moods.

With everything...we shall wait and see.

Something else that stuck with me. A guy who has been dealing with BP for 31 years was talking and he mentioned that people with Bipolar need to make sure that they prevent as many situations that may cause them hurt. I don't deal very well with being hurt. Regular people have a difficult time dealing with it, but I think he's right...It doesn't help to put one self in a position where you'll be hurt. I just hope that my chemicals are balanced enough where I create an environment for myself that keeps me less prone to getting hurt, or one where I don't get hurt so often.

I wonder about J and I's situation. It's painful to be away from him. I love talking to him and being in touch with him. I miss him. It hurt to be away from my family too. Now I'm with them. That's actually a relief. I just hope that something doesn't have to give. I hope that he saves enough money and he moves here.
I hope that I can lead a life that's low on drama...and I just enjoy the people I love.

Sometimes that's not so easy. People have their different personalities and their own issues...their quirks...something said or done is taken the wrong way. Dealing with relationshihps isn't easy. People who make it look easy must have a nice erray of chemicals.

5/21/09 - off of wellbutrin, still on depakote

Feel like shit. Don't think it's anything's fault. I just have to be patient.

I'm tired of living. I'm tired of being depressed and then mixed. I hate being dependent on people. I, unfortunately, am not well enough to stand on my own two feet.

Sometimes I think what people must be thinking of me: "why doesn't she try harder?"
"why doesn't she do something about her problem?"

I don't know what else to do. I've sought help. I'm on yet another mood stabilizer. I'm a real depressive and I'm not sure how this pill is going to help with the depression aspect of things.

I'm really down. Really really down. I get concerned about 10 years from now. If I get this down at 33, I don't think I'll make it to my 40's.

I try not to think too much about J. There was a time when I had the strength to believe in the future, get prepared for it, and make a new nest. All of that is gone. What scares me is the depression, but on top of that, it scares me to think what'll come after it. Will it be another hypomanic episode? All filled with lack of organized thought and clear direction?

I want my brain back and no one can give it back to me. I've read up on the meds and there's not much out there for someone like me. Lamictal was working but I'm allergic to it. Lithium is in my system and it's not doing anything.

****LITHIUM 1200 mg
****Wellbutrin - 0 mg
****Rispredol - 1mg
****Depikote - 500 mg 2x a day - 1000mg for a week

***5/19/9 - Depakote 500mg 2x a day as of 5/14

Feel down and irritable.